Tag: SHITPOASTIN

I still really wanna do a dx/mgs crossover like. I just wanna put Adam Jensen on Mother Base. I have no idea how I’d converge those timelines though. Idk like IF RAIDEN CAN TIME TRAVEL TO GZ then Jensen can assplant through a wormhole to 1984 or smth

Ocelot would make jokes. “Hey Miller,” (nudge nudge) “now you’ve got a little friend to talk to about hiding your emotions behind cool shades and a cartoonishly popped collar”

Quiet would be immediately suspicious and untrusting. She’d slink around doing her shadestepping thing but Jensen would just switch on his Smart Vision and see her anyway, then activate his glass shield cloaking and Icarus dash just to tease her like “lolz I can be invisible and zoom around really fast too, fite me” and she’d be like 😭😭😭

Kaz would make Jensen a chemical burger and he’d be like “I never asked for this”

Ocelot would find some way to turn “hey we have the same name” into “plEASE LET ME TOUCH YOUR PEEN”

Venom would be super interested in Adam’s augs, and Adam would be vaguely interested in V’s bionic arm but ultimately turn his nose up at it because it’s ~not sophisticated enough~

Then he’d see the rocket arm and be like WAIT IT CAN REMOTELY ZOOM AROUND AND PUNCH PEOPLE???? WHY DON’T I HAVE THAT?? KOLLER!!! GET OVER HERE AND MODIFY ONE OF THESE FOR MY SYSTEM

Because Koller is there too ok

And he’s dicking around in R&D while Huey’s sniffing around behind him with the biggest boner and won’t leave him tf alone

Sometimes Koller and Ocelot put on matching track suits and slav squat around the base all day

Haha wow this is really dumb

I apologize for this garbage oh my god

Do you ever just…………think about how Davesnake prolly had idle moments during the Shadow Moses incident where he fondly reminisced to Master Miller over the radio about the kinky sex they have or whatever and Liquid’s on the other end just like ……………….. D: D: D: *play it cool play it cool your brother just described in great detail about his cum-filled asshole juST FLIRT BACK U CAN DO THIS ELI* and it’s just, like, really awk

Haha I like to think about Kaz compulsively getting tested for STDs like every month because he’s paranoid af about it, and one day medic sends for him with URGENT NEWS, “I need to see you IMMEDIATELY” so Kaz is freaking the fuck out and rushing over to medical and is a total nervous wreck, and medic turns to him and is like

“Kaz…your blood tests came back and I’m very concerned….you  have……VERY HIGH CHOLESTEROL”

And Kaz just about passes out, he’s like JESUS CHRIST YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME I THOUGHT IT WAS SERIOUS

And medic’s just like “……………….this is fucking serious, you’re a hamburger away from a fucking stroke, bro. Here is your new diet and exercise regimen, stick to it RELIGIOUSLY”

Cut to them at breakfast in the mess hall, medic and Kaz and BB are chilling around the taco buffet and Kaz is scooping extra bacon onto his breakfast tacos and medic just gives him this heart-stopping scowl, takes Kaz’s tray out of his hands and scoops all the bacon off and hands it back to him

Kaz glares at him. “I THINK YOU’RE THE FUCKING ANTICHRIST.”

And BB’s just laughing, eating his bacon like an animal and making horrendous moaning sounds while he’s doing it and Kaz pouts at them both

Sometimes I think about nauseatingly schmoopy headcanons like

Medic and Kaz sneak off to the beach sometimes while BB isn’t looking and hang out in a secluded area with a hammock strung up between two palm trees, the wind’s blowing off the ocean so the trees are swaying gently in the breeze and the motion of the hammock rocks them to sleep while they’re spooning and watching the sunset

But then my brain’s an asshole and something really stupid happens, like a coconut falls from the tree and hits Kaz square in the head

And he’s like WTF I THOUGHT THAT ONLY HAPPENED IN CARTOONS, GODDAMN OW and he’s pissed off so he kicks the coconut with his bare foot like an idiot

So instead of a romantic evening cuddling in a hammock and watching the sunset, medic gets to treat a concussion and a few broken toes for a grumpy commander

Sometimes I consider getting my nose re-pierced but then I remember how often I pick my nose and how getting it pierced again would seriously hinder my favourite pastime and I’m like nah

image

It looked cool tho 😦

Also lol yeah I was a delivery driver for Pizza Hut FUN FACT
How the fuck old am I that I worked for them back when the uNIFORMS STILL LOOKED LIKE THAT /wrists

Can we please have MGSV DLC that’s just Venom comforting Kaz? That’s it, that’s the whole mission.

“Press ‘X’ to gently hold Kaz.” “Press ‘A’ to dry his tears.”

Attempting CQC will just result in soft kisses and slow, romantic sex.